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Starter Guide to BDSM: Rules, Core Values, and Words You Should Know

The world of Domination is an exciting place to play in if you know how to get around.

If you’re reading this, you’re probably unsure or curious about BDSM, but fret not! This BDSM starter guide will take you through the foundations of BDSM, core values, rules, and everything you need to know. BDSM is often misunderstood as being abnormally kinky or mentally and physically harmful. But as a beginner, you ought to understand that it’s none of the above. On a basic level, the umbrella term covers three main categories: bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism. The words might sound petrifying; but, boundaries and open communication come first. For this reason, BDSM can be the most fun and safest kind of sex. 

At the heart of BDSM is ‘power play’, which gives you the freedom to experiment and allow your partner to take the reins – at your consent. Or, you get to call the shots if you like to have control. On the same note, you get to tap into fascinating themes like domination and submission while using your imagination. BDSM for beginners can be confusing, especially if you have preconceived notions (thanks to Fifty Shades). Although the practice does involve some hard limits, they don’t appear right off the bat. For BDSM beginners, we recommend that you take it slowly before figuring out what works for you and your partner.

In this Basic BDSM guide for beginners, we emphasize the role of mutual respect. The mainstream media would have you believe that BDSM is about punishing the subordinate and pleasing the dominant. Nothing could be further from the truth. Good BDSM practice should be pleasurable for both parties, irrespective of the sex toys and technique at play. 

For clarity purposes, a BDSM relationship should be mutually respectful and well-balanced. In such a context, the slave and the master have a bond. This bond is enriched through detailed protocols and rituals that reinforce the status of each party. Without etiquette, it becomes an exercise in futility. As such, privilege and right demands equal measures of responsibility. This is why we curated a concise set of guidelines that will enlighten you on the accepted techniques and behaviors. With this, you’re guaranteed a satisfying and rich BDSM experience. 

So What Exactly is BDSM? acronym

BDSM is the abbreviation for Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism. Bondage refers to the sexual practice where a partner is tied up or restrained. While discipline/dominance refers to having influence or power over your partner. Dominance/discipline often involves training your BDSM partner to obey the rules.

Sadism refers to deriving pleasure from punishment or pain. While masochism is deriving pleasure from humiliating or inflicting pain on another. D/S can also be used to refer to a Dominant/submissive relationship. Yet, the BDSM kink spectrum is not necessarily binary. Some folks enjoy being both submissive and dominant. In this basic BDSM for beginners, we emphasize that one can assume many roles. For instance, you might fall into different submissives and dominant sub-categories. To figure out where your kinks lie, check out this test, and you’ll better understand what role best suits you. 

BDSM for Beginners and Where to start?

Books and movies glamorize BDSM and portray poor values, attitudes, and practices of BDSM. So the first step is to forget what you have seen in the media. Before you go screaming orders at your partner, you must understand that a BDSM relationship is a power exchange based on mutual respect. For this reason, every BDSM relationship is unique. So even the humiliation and pain should be something that you or your partner enjoys. 

Here are some tips for basic BDSM beginners that you need to keep in mind at all times:

Communication is Key

You and your partner should communicate openly to ensure that you are both comfortable with the BDSM act. Most BDSM beginners feel uncomfortable talking about their kinky fantasies. But, it’s advisable for you to openly communicate with your partner. This helps determine whether they’re comfortable with the sordid things you intend to do in bed. This will ensure a smooth and unforgettable experience. 

Set Some Boundaries and Limits

Before you explore your kinks, it’s important to have a chat with your partner and lay down some boundaries. This is because what your partner might be comfortable with might be a BIG No for you. You need to share some of the things you intend to try with your partner. Based on the feedback you get; you’ll have an idea of what they’re comfortable with. 

Build Anticipation

Anticipation plays a huge role in BDSM foreplay. You must discuss your fantasies with your partner and establish their likes and dislikes. You may pick a medium to soft limit and use it to test how it affects your partner’s behavior.

Anticipation is a crucial element in foreplay. You must build up gradually to the main event to ensure that you and your partner are in the zone. Subs like to focus on the present scene by completing rituals for their dominant. This might involve taking off the clothing, laying out the toys, kneeling, and waiting. Waiting is the purest and most straightforward type of submission. It allows the submissive partner to prepare themselves for a wild experience.

Come up with a safe word

Before engaging in BDSM, ensure that your partner is someone trustworthy. A safe word that you both understand is crucial to ensure that you set the limits and know when to stop. Most people get carried away by the BDSM experience, and a submissive partner who doesn’t communicate properly may be at risk. Agree on a non-sexual word that will instruct your dominant partner to stop when it’s necessary. You can integrate a traffic light safe word when trying something new. Red may state that your dominant partner has reached the limit and needs to stop. Amber may suggest that you are okay but close to the limit, while green means everything is okay.

Aftercare help

Aftercare help is crucial, and most BDSM partners tend to underestimate its importance. The experience can be intense and confusing, especially for beginners. This is due to misconceptions projected through mainstream media and social media platforms. It is important to set limits and check your submissive partner after an agreed act. The aftercare can involve a nice massage, a hot shower or bath, cuddles, kisses, or just alone time for both of you. Aftercare doesn’t make you less of a submissive partner. Aftercare is crucial for physical and mental health since we as humans crave genuine human compassion. This is why you need to discuss the type of aftercare that works for your partner.

Deliberate and Reevaluate

BDSM is dynamic, and you can learn various kinks with many partners over time. BDSM is a journey that allows you to discover new things about yourself and your partner. You must revise the contract with your partner and revisit boundaries and limits with time. Constant communication ensures that you and your partner have a deliberate experience.

Submissive Responsibilities

The role of the submissive partner is to always be attentive to the dominant partner. The behavior depicted by the slave reflects a sense of respect and admiration for the master’s wants and needs. A submissive partner is tasked with servicing the dominant partner most pleasingly. 

There are multiple things you can do to make the dominant partner happy. They may include meal preparations, lighting a cigarette, or being openly humiliated. The submissive partner has to put the needs of the dominant partner before their own. You must remember that master/slave BDSM games can also be carried out in public spaces and are not limited by the bedroom’s four walls

Dominant Duties

The master handles the submissive’s social, emotional, and physical well-being. The master ensures the submissive receives the things he/she requires during BDSM. Those things vary depending on the sub and may include humiliation, discipline, or slavery.

BDSM Ethics

Commitment

The submissive partner should be obedient to the master’s instructions to the letter. The dominant should be respectful, honest, and open to the sub’s needs.

Courtesy

Mutual respect is crucial when it comes to BDSM games. Be honest, have boundaries, and keep your expectations in check. This will help you avoid unnecessary conflicts.

Protection

Safety should be your priority. Follow the safety protocols involving harnesses, sex toys, and restraints. Craft a safe word to act as a signal if things become intense

Integrity

Both doms and subs must remain sincere to each other to establish a potent relationship. Avoid fake care and dedication and establish trust with each other to have the best outcomes.

A Final Word on BDSM Etiquette

To have a satisfying experience, it’s important to be respectful to your BDSM partner. The best way to do this is to keep it safe and consensual. At all times, give and get consent. All the while avoid being passive-aggressive. Lastly, leave drugs and alcohol out of it. With this in mind, you’re guaranteed to have an unforgettable and mind-blowing BDSM experience.